So from what I remember of my younger days....they were mostly happy. But not without some issues. My mother was an alcoholic, my father, a wonderful, strong and powerful man, worked on Wall Street and worked A LOT! I don't blame him, the state my mother was in most of the time I wouldn't want to come home either!
On the weekends my father was dedicated to me and my sister 100%. He would take us for horseback riding lessons and shopping at the mall! It was wonderful to have a dedicated father. This was how I learned that it's not the actual time measured in minutes that you spend with someone, it's the QUALITY of the time! I see fathers toteing around thier kids on thier phones not even paying attention to thier kids. But they are "spending time with thier father" thier mothers say. To that I say, "Really, ok, if that's how your eye's see it". Funny, no one likes hearing that!
My mother, when sober, was actually quite cool as a mom! She was a stay at home mom....which these days is TRAGIC but I think it's honorable for a women to be able to stay with her kids, raise them, teach them and feed them. But that's me and I'm old fashioned! When sober, my mother never was on the phone when we were home, she didn't ignore us by watching TV or just sitting us infront of the TV to learn from all the TV shows. My mother raised us. She was a strick but giving. She yelled at us when we needed and heaven forbid, would smack us to put us back in line. She wasn't our best friend...she was our mother and we did fear her...but loved her as well. She let us fall and get cuts and scratches, there were winners and loosers in games and if we lost, the lesson was push yourself to do better next time. Simple.
I remember coloring, spelling lessons, life lessons, cooking, cleaning, naps in the afternoon. Sweet wonderful memories. But then there was the dark side. The drinkning would show up, and Mom would get strange and mean, really mean. I remember being told I was a mistake and that I was stupid. I remember saying "why does she say these things when I love her and I'm good to her!" I was always with my mother...always by her side, always defending her.
When I was older and a teen in Junior High, the kids started to smell the booze when she was around and I became the kid with the drunk mother. I was the outcast for several reasons. I just never really fit in anywhere and still, as I mentioned, don't get that. But it was hard enough being a Headbanger gearhead in a school full of preppy, sports kids, now add the drunk mother! UGG. What a life! I did have some friends, those of which are still with me today!
It was also at this time that I noticed one of my differences is that I was "blue-er" then most. I seemed to always have this black cloud above my head. I didn't know it then, but clearly it was the begining of my depression. I never knew why or how, but I just never got happy. I existed, nothing made me super happy. I also remember crying for hours on end in my room alone. I had no clue why, just knew that life seemed so dark, empty and desperate.
I also think it was this time that I started to develop a "fear" of things. I was afraid to be in tight spaces, afraid of elevators, afraid of heights, afraid of big open places like theaters or MSG.
I guess looking back I used to spend a lot of time alone becuase it was easier then having to always defend myself against people. The school had me labeled as Emotionally Disturbed at 13 years old. But back then, there were no investigations into why. There was no ADD and ADHD.. (even though I was diagnosed at 26 with ADD). So I was just labeled and forgotten. Sat in the back of the class and read books about cars and horses. It was a nice escape from reality! I couldn't follow school at all....now I know why. But again, I was the stupid headbanger in the back of the class. I only ever just wanted to be home with my Mom.
Around 14ish, I had realized as well that the "Catholic" upbringing that I had been given wasn't quite working for me. I had far to many questions and more then once pissed off a few of the Priests and Nuns! Always had questions, they just could never answer. I was a "WHY" kid, still am. So I started doing a little research on theology and found a book about Wicca. I read it cover to cover in about 1 day flat...why? Becuase it made sense to me!!! It was then that I started to consider myself Wiccan and made a commitment to the Practice. I guess this didn't help me out any in the "strange and unusal" catagory. But I had and still have an urge to just do what feels right. And this fit the bill.
At 16, I got into a school group for kids that had some issues. Learned some there, I learned that my life with my alcoholic mother was NOT normal at all. I learned that my disappearing into myself wasn't normal either. That was my first taste of therapy and for once, I had hope that maybe if I went to these "sessions" I could become "normal"! So I decided at 17 to seek out a Therapist to tell my story to.
So that's some of the past...in a Nutshell....that last part will lead into what will be the theme for my next 20 years or so....
LESSON: When you feel like things aren't normal, they may not be. Think about it, seek out help, don't just be good with what's going on. Also, hold onto the good memories and let the bad ones go. To much negativity being carried around will only bring you down. Things that happened in your childhood you will recover from. And what you learned from that, you should pay forward to someone else in need.
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