I wish I knew why I am the way I am. But I haven’t a clue why I’m this way. I guess its because of what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen and what I’ve learned. Good and bad.
I never fit in anywhere, never have really and for a long time I forced myself to fit into a mold to make everyone happy. And it was a battle everyday to maintain who I was supposed to be. Especially since I knew it wasn’t comfortable to be that way. However, it kept everyone happy and quite. Of course, I had times where the real me would shine through and everyone would get so angry and voice their opinion at how horrific I was. So I would just crawl back into my little fake world and everyone would go back to loving me and being happy.
I guess in the years since I’ve broken free, I’ve kind of broken WAY out of the box and I am to the extreme of who I used to be. It’s left me feeling a bit confused and still with a feeling of not fitting in. As I approach my 40th, I feel even further away from what the hell it is I’m supposed to be. I have no idea how to act, how to dress, how to speak and how to live. I basically just throw on clothes, say whatever is on my mind and turn off my feelings because they complicate things. In doing that it appears that the suppression of my emotions causes major out burst and the inability to be appropriate in what I say or do.
I had someone I think very highly of call me awkward. I looked up the meaning to that word and realized that there are a few meaning, but one that did indeed fit who I am. It was “requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous”. I thought that was pretty interesting. Though I’m sure he means the first meaning that most people associate with the word “lacking skill or dexterity”. And I’m pretty sure if he reads this it will piss him off that I’m putting this much time and energy into one word. I analyze, it’s my nature. But the word fits me, and he nailed it. And it got my thinking, a lot.
I indeed am awkward. I am also very emotional. And in trying to keep my emotions at bay and play a cool chump, I noticed that I’ve kind of lost myself. I want to be one of the boys and be accepted by them. But being one of the boys ostracizes you from being loved and being the “love interest” of said boys. It seems that most guys don’t get me at all. I guess I try to hard for them to accept me. I try to pretend I’m not a girl who is capable of keeping her damn mouth shut. I pretend to just be someone that they can vent to and talk to…..but men don’t do that. Which lead me to believe that I’m more girl then I think.
It appears that I really just have no idea who the hell I am. I am so damn confused between the life I used to lead and the life I have now that I’m not grasping the reality of it all. I turn perfectly good people away for no reason and then try so hard with the people that there is no chance out because they are to good for me that I make a fool of myself.
I guess I’m still evolving. I guess that 40 years hasn’t been long enough for me to learn who I am. I had someone tell me today “it’s sad because you’ll miss out” regarding a relationship. I miss out on a lot, and it’s all my fault. I have no one to blame but myself really. I pin this all on me.
Back to the drawing board…I need to figure out how to dress and talk and act and fit in somewhere in this world! No one wants to love someone like me who can’t even decide on what she wants. I do indeed miss having someone to love and take care of, I am human. I long for someone to thing I’m special enough to miss through out the day. I miss coming home to someone waiting….but it is just to terrifying to open myself up to all that pain if something goes wrong.
