Well well, here I am....40 and single! :-)
I've accomplished many things in my 40 years....I'm a licensed cosmetologist, certified Reiki Healer, got my Degree in Business Management, Certified Dog Trainer, Amateur Dog Groomer, Mom to an amazing Bicha-poo, member of my First Aid Squad, IT Webmistress, Model Horse collector, Homeowner, own 2 beautiful cars.....yup, done many things!
10 years ago on my 30th, I was married, had my Dad still and my Mum I believe still loved me. So did my sister and the rest of my family. I never would have imagined that I'd be sitting in my own living room, no family to speak of. Strange the path that life takes ya, it's a journey....and you spend your whole life looking for the destination.
That leaves me with the question...is there really any destination? Maybe we're all just on the journey together, or maybe finding that special person is the destination. Or maybe finding peace within yourself is the destination.
I have certainly found peace, I had a rock bottom moment this past November when I did something that totally floored me. Something so out of character for me that I'm embarrassed thinking about it. In looking back, and working many hours and days and weeks to recover from that I finally feel that I've done that. I know I made some scars, some that will never heal. But scars are memories that we learn from. I have many, and I've learned from them all. That might be why, now, at 40...I'm happy with who I am. Finally. Yes, finally complete.
I never thought I could be single and complete. I think that growing up I was under the impression that you have to be married to be whole. Not so. Actually, I'm now just thinking of possibly finding that someone special to settle in with. I thought I was ready a few months ago. Turns out I wasn't. I actually spent the last few months happily single! Being single during the holiday's really wasn't so awful....after all, I've been single for just about 3 and a half years. (with the exception of the guy I saw 3 times a month for 10 months that I THOUGHT I was in a relationship with). I was single, but not super happy about it. I learned that I can entertain myself and that I was indeed good company!! Probably because I don't have to hear myself yap endlessly! LOL
There is a man that I do think about quite often. I know he has no clue how I feel. He's funny and smart, and has such an amazing sense of self and self discipline and responsibility. It's admirable. I fear that telling him how I kinda feel would make him either ignore me or run screaming! Someday maybe I'll work up the courage! Right now I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm just a big, babbling, dumb, dorky, idiot! LOL! Which I tend to be around him because he makes me nervous! Is he my destination?Enough of that......
I notice that to avoid thinking of relationships and settling down, I've been working and getting involved in many, many things. Today I spent a lot of time thinking about this person, and then something came up for my second job that needed me to devote my full attention to. I found myself sighing with relief that I didn't have to think of how I feel for him. Not sure why I avoid something that I'm pretty much ready for. I even started sleeping on the left side of my bed! LOL! For years I slept in the middle because I didn't want to share my bed with anyone.
I digress...I guess what I wanted to address was the fact that I indeed made it to my 40th birthday. I wonder what my mother would say if she saw me now? I wonder if she knows? I will never understand how getting divorced lead her to not want anything to do with me. My sister as well. What did my divorce have to do with her? They both knew I was miserable, no one listened to me....then I acted and left the situation. I remember my mother telling me "how the hell do you think you're going to live? You can't support yourself let alone me!" Well Mum, I did, I'm doin' it! I might have to work 2 jobs, but that's just because I love my cars and horses! Imagine having a daughter and telling her she won't make it out in this world on her own! Gheesh! If I had a daughter, I would inspire her to reach for the stars! I would hold her hand no matter what. I would stand in her shadow as she succeeded in life! She could be living the life up here in the country!
I really also just want to take a moment, while reflecting, to say thank you to those of you who believed in me this entire time. I am truly blessed to have so many genuine, beautiful, loving people in my life. ,My new family may not be flesh and blood, but the bond I have with them that I never felt I had with my blood family. I never feel lonely for family and friends, ever! Everyone is just a text or call away, I am sooooo lucky! I do miss someone to tell me "I love you" and look into my eyes as I feel his hands on the small of my back, then kissing my forehead. Someday, someday that might be in the cards for me....till then....40 years and 1 month and counting! Here's to the next 10 years!!!
