So here I am typing this with my new eye balls on a 19 inch monitor with the resolution on super huge so I can see! I had my PRK done on July 26th and have been healing just fine. It will be about another 2 weeks before the discomfort, blurry vision and dryness will subside but I'm still glad I did it!
Some people had seemed to think that I did this because I didn't like the way I looked in glasses, funny, it's clear that those are the people who really don't know me! I could care less how I "look" in glasses, that had nothing to do with it. One of the main reasons I had it done is a simple quality of life issue. Imagine waking up and not seeing your clock, then needing a pair of glasses to find the glasses you need to not roll over on your dog. How about being in the shower and having to triple check if your grabbing the Shampoo or Conditioner? And another good one....you try a Jerseylicious smokey eye looking 1 inch away from the mirror! NOT EASY! Then there was the First Aid thing, if it's raining and I'm loading a patient in the Rig, I can't stop production and say to my fellow EMS'ers and Cops "wait, gotta wipe off my glasses". So I did this for many reasons, vanity was certainly not one of them!
Was invited to my first Family Reunion party on Saturday and met some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life! I felt welcomed and no one judged me for what I drove, what I do for a living, what I was wearing......I was just Kelly with Gizmo! So not used to that. My family it was all about money, name brands, who had a better job and a better car! Well, when I was part of that I guess I didn't realize it. But looking back and now being part of people's families, I now see what the meaning of family is. It's love and respect and support. It's not making fun of someone for crying, it's hugging them and saying "I'm so sorry your going through this, I wish I could fix it, I can only love you through it!" Seems so simple right? It's not judging someone for buying something or not buying something.....god man, it really is simple!
I know that should I be lucky enough to be a mother someday, well I'll be lucky enough for one, but that I'm going to teach my child how simple love is. It's not judgmental, it's unconditional and it's always there, no matter what! It also is not always blood, it's connections with people. Guess at 40 and a half, I should really start working on that soon!
And here is a thought....did you ever feel a connection to someone that was totally unspoken but clearly there and obvious? You stand next to the person and the energy draws you to that person, and you know the other person feels it to. When you touch that person, you stop breathing....and you don't want to let go. Then you think about it and that person is someone you would never fall for in a million years because of whatever reason, lifestyle, looks, whatever.....and you know that in a million years, he's had way prettier, skinnier and younger....but you feel it. It's so unspoken, and you try and date it away....but every date you're on, you're thinking about what he's doing, where he is, and you find yourself talking to your date about him and what an amazing person he is.......opposites attract...but are we that opposite? I want someone who owns a home, has at least one car, a career and a 5 year plan. I want to take what I have and join it to someones life to enhance each others life. I guess I just want what ever one else seems to have. I have "stuff" and people say I'm lucky....yes, yes I am. I like my "stuff"...but my Father always said that having stuff is worth nothing unless you have someone to share it with. I believe that......
Connections on a higher emotional and physical level....do they exist? Or do we just want to believe they do to make us less lonely????
Monday, July 2, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Made it to 40!
Well well, here I am....40 and single! :-)
I've accomplished many things in my 40 years....I'm a licensed cosmetologist, certified Reiki Healer, got my Degree in Business Management, Certified Dog Trainer, Amateur Dog Groomer, Mom to an amazing Bicha-poo, member of my First Aid Squad, IT Webmistress, Model Horse collector, Homeowner, own 2 beautiful cars.....yup, done many things!
10 years ago on my 30th, I was married, had my Dad still and my Mum I believe still loved me. So did my sister and the rest of my family. I never would have imagined that I'd be sitting in my own living room, no family to speak of. Strange the path that life takes ya, it's a journey....and you spend your whole life looking for the destination.
That leaves me with the question...is there really any destination? Maybe we're all just on the journey together, or maybe finding that special person is the destination. Or maybe finding peace within yourself is the destination.
I have certainly found peace, I had a rock bottom moment this past November when I did something that totally floored me. Something so out of character for me that I'm embarrassed thinking about it. In looking back, and working many hours and days and weeks to recover from that I finally feel that I've done that. I know I made some scars, some that will never heal. But scars are memories that we learn from. I have many, and I've learned from them all. That might be why, now, at 40...I'm happy with who I am. Finally. Yes, finally complete.
I never thought I could be single and complete. I think that growing up I was under the impression that you have to be married to be whole. Not so. Actually, I'm now just thinking of possibly finding that someone special to settle in with. I thought I was ready a few months ago. Turns out I wasn't. I actually spent the last few months happily single! Being single during the holiday's really wasn't so awful....after all, I've been single for just about 3 and a half years. (with the exception of the guy I saw 3 times a month for 10 months that I THOUGHT I was in a relationship with). I was single, but not super happy about it. I learned that I can entertain myself and that I was indeed good company!! Probably because I don't have to hear myself yap endlessly! LOL
There is a man that I do think about quite often. I know he has no clue how I feel. He's funny and smart, and has such an amazing sense of self and self discipline and responsibility. It's admirable. I fear that telling him how I kinda feel would make him either ignore me or run screaming! Someday maybe I'll work up the courage! Right now I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm just a big, babbling, dumb, dorky, idiot! LOL! Which I tend to be around him because he makes me nervous! Is he my destination?Enough of that......
I notice that to avoid thinking of relationships and settling down, I've been working and getting involved in many, many things. Today I spent a lot of time thinking about this person, and then something came up for my second job that needed me to devote my full attention to. I found myself sighing with relief that I didn't have to think of how I feel for him. Not sure why I avoid something that I'm pretty much ready for. I even started sleeping on the left side of my bed! LOL! For years I slept in the middle because I didn't want to share my bed with anyone.
I digress...I guess what I wanted to address was the fact that I indeed made it to my 40th birthday. I wonder what my mother would say if she saw me now? I wonder if she knows? I will never understand how getting divorced lead her to not want anything to do with me. My sister as well. What did my divorce have to do with her? They both knew I was miserable, no one listened to me....then I acted and left the situation. I remember my mother telling me "how the hell do you think you're going to live? You can't support yourself let alone me!" Well Mum, I did, I'm doin' it! I might have to work 2 jobs, but that's just because I love my cars and horses! Imagine having a daughter and telling her she won't make it out in this world on her own! Gheesh! If I had a daughter, I would inspire her to reach for the stars! I would hold her hand no matter what. I would stand in her shadow as she succeeded in life! She could be living the life up here in the country!
I really also just want to take a moment, while reflecting, to say thank you to those of you who believed in me this entire time. I am truly blessed to have so many genuine, beautiful, loving people in my life. ,My new family may not be flesh and blood, but the bond I have with them that I never felt I had with my blood family. I never feel lonely for family and friends, ever! Everyone is just a text or call away, I am sooooo lucky! I do miss someone to tell me "I love you" and look into my eyes as I feel his hands on the small of my back, then kissing my forehead. Someday, someday that might be in the cards for me....till then....40 years and 1 month and counting! Here's to the next 10 years!!!
I've accomplished many things in my 40 years....I'm a licensed cosmetologist, certified Reiki Healer, got my Degree in Business Management, Certified Dog Trainer, Amateur Dog Groomer, Mom to an amazing Bicha-poo, member of my First Aid Squad, IT Webmistress, Model Horse collector, Homeowner, own 2 beautiful cars.....yup, done many things!
10 years ago on my 30th, I was married, had my Dad still and my Mum I believe still loved me. So did my sister and the rest of my family. I never would have imagined that I'd be sitting in my own living room, no family to speak of. Strange the path that life takes ya, it's a journey....and you spend your whole life looking for the destination.
That leaves me with the question...is there really any destination? Maybe we're all just on the journey together, or maybe finding that special person is the destination. Or maybe finding peace within yourself is the destination.
I have certainly found peace, I had a rock bottom moment this past November when I did something that totally floored me. Something so out of character for me that I'm embarrassed thinking about it. In looking back, and working many hours and days and weeks to recover from that I finally feel that I've done that. I know I made some scars, some that will never heal. But scars are memories that we learn from. I have many, and I've learned from them all. That might be why, now, at 40...I'm happy with who I am. Finally. Yes, finally complete.
I never thought I could be single and complete. I think that growing up I was under the impression that you have to be married to be whole. Not so. Actually, I'm now just thinking of possibly finding that someone special to settle in with. I thought I was ready a few months ago. Turns out I wasn't. I actually spent the last few months happily single! Being single during the holiday's really wasn't so awful....after all, I've been single for just about 3 and a half years. (with the exception of the guy I saw 3 times a month for 10 months that I THOUGHT I was in a relationship with). I was single, but not super happy about it. I learned that I can entertain myself and that I was indeed good company!! Probably because I don't have to hear myself yap endlessly! LOL
There is a man that I do think about quite often. I know he has no clue how I feel. He's funny and smart, and has such an amazing sense of self and self discipline and responsibility. It's admirable. I fear that telling him how I kinda feel would make him either ignore me or run screaming! Someday maybe I'll work up the courage! Right now I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm just a big, babbling, dumb, dorky, idiot! LOL! Which I tend to be around him because he makes me nervous! Is he my destination?Enough of that......
I notice that to avoid thinking of relationships and settling down, I've been working and getting involved in many, many things. Today I spent a lot of time thinking about this person, and then something came up for my second job that needed me to devote my full attention to. I found myself sighing with relief that I didn't have to think of how I feel for him. Not sure why I avoid something that I'm pretty much ready for. I even started sleeping on the left side of my bed! LOL! For years I slept in the middle because I didn't want to share my bed with anyone.
I digress...I guess what I wanted to address was the fact that I indeed made it to my 40th birthday. I wonder what my mother would say if she saw me now? I wonder if she knows? I will never understand how getting divorced lead her to not want anything to do with me. My sister as well. What did my divorce have to do with her? They both knew I was miserable, no one listened to me....then I acted and left the situation. I remember my mother telling me "how the hell do you think you're going to live? You can't support yourself let alone me!" Well Mum, I did, I'm doin' it! I might have to work 2 jobs, but that's just because I love my cars and horses! Imagine having a daughter and telling her she won't make it out in this world on her own! Gheesh! If I had a daughter, I would inspire her to reach for the stars! I would hold her hand no matter what. I would stand in her shadow as she succeeded in life! She could be living the life up here in the country!
I really also just want to take a moment, while reflecting, to say thank you to those of you who believed in me this entire time. I am truly blessed to have so many genuine, beautiful, loving people in my life. ,My new family may not be flesh and blood, but the bond I have with them that I never felt I had with my blood family. I never feel lonely for family and friends, ever! Everyone is just a text or call away, I am sooooo lucky! I do miss someone to tell me "I love you" and look into my eyes as I feel his hands on the small of my back, then kissing my forehead. Someday, someday that might be in the cards for me....till then....40 years and 1 month and counting! Here's to the next 10 years!!!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Some of my recent thoughts....
I wish I knew why I am the way I am. But I haven’t a clue why I’m this way. I guess its because of what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen and what I’ve learned. Good and bad.
I never fit in anywhere, never have really and for a long time I forced myself to fit into a mold to make everyone happy. And it was a battle everyday to maintain who I was supposed to be. Especially since I knew it wasn’t comfortable to be that way. However, it kept everyone happy and quite. Of course, I had times where the real me would shine through and everyone would get so angry and voice their opinion at how horrific I was. So I would just crawl back into my little fake world and everyone would go back to loving me and being happy.
I guess in the years since I’ve broken free, I’ve kind of broken WAY out of the box and I am to the extreme of who I used to be. It’s left me feeling a bit confused and still with a feeling of not fitting in. As I approach my 40th, I feel even further away from what the hell it is I’m supposed to be. I have no idea how to act, how to dress, how to speak and how to live. I basically just throw on clothes, say whatever is on my mind and turn off my feelings because they complicate things. In doing that it appears that the suppression of my emotions causes major out burst and the inability to be appropriate in what I say or do.
I had someone I think very highly of call me awkward. I looked up the meaning to that word and realized that there are a few meaning, but one that did indeed fit who I am. It was “requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous”. I thought that was pretty interesting. Though I’m sure he means the first meaning that most people associate with the word “lacking skill or dexterity”. And I’m pretty sure if he reads this it will piss him off that I’m putting this much time and energy into one word. I analyze, it’s my nature. But the word fits me, and he nailed it. And it got my thinking, a lot.
I indeed am awkward. I am also very emotional. And in trying to keep my emotions at bay and play a cool chump, I noticed that I’ve kind of lost myself. I want to be one of the boys and be accepted by them. But being one of the boys ostracizes you from being loved and being the “love interest” of said boys. It seems that most guys don’t get me at all. I guess I try to hard for them to accept me. I try to pretend I’m not a girl who is capable of keeping her damn mouth shut. I pretend to just be someone that they can vent to and talk to…..but men don’t do that. Which lead me to believe that I’m more girl then I think.
It appears that I really just have no idea who the hell I am. I am so damn confused between the life I used to lead and the life I have now that I’m not grasping the reality of it all. I turn perfectly good people away for no reason and then try so hard with the people that there is no chance out because they are to good for me that I make a fool of myself.
I guess I’m still evolving. I guess that 40 years hasn’t been long enough for me to learn who I am. I had someone tell me today “it’s sad because you’ll miss out” regarding a relationship. I miss out on a lot, and it’s all my fault. I have no one to blame but myself really. I pin this all on me.
Back to the drawing board…I need to figure out how to dress and talk and act and fit in somewhere in this world! No one wants to love someone like me who can’t even decide on what she wants. I do indeed miss having someone to love and take care of, I am human. I long for someone to thing I’m special enough to miss through out the day. I miss coming home to someone waiting….but it is just to terrifying to open myself up to all that pain if something goes wrong.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Just watchin' Irene blow through....
So sitting alone in this storm has got me thinking....how do people who don't deserve someone and treat them like crap have someone in thier lives?
I can't get over how I'm just supposed to turn off how I feel about someone in a day. I don't know how anyone does it. I can't.....I still feel. Especially when you spend so much time with someone and think that your life will now be better. BANG left behind again.
I am an easy going, loving person. Why do people throw me out like yesterdays trash? Better yet, how the hell do they all find me? Actually, I was born into it! LOL!
So hope everyone is doing good. Sussex county just has rain and hardly any wind. Every now and again a gust.
I'm sick of surviving....I want to live!
I can't get over how I'm just supposed to turn off how I feel about someone in a day. I don't know how anyone does it. I can't.....I still feel. Especially when you spend so much time with someone and think that your life will now be better. BANG left behind again.
I am an easy going, loving person. Why do people throw me out like yesterdays trash? Better yet, how the hell do they all find me? Actually, I was born into it! LOL!
So hope everyone is doing good. Sussex county just has rain and hardly any wind. Every now and again a gust.
I'm sick of surviving....I want to live!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
August 20, 2011-Thoughts
I should be laying out my history before adding my thoughts, but I just can't help myself!
Yesterday I took out my 72 Chevelle, washed it, cleaned it up good then took it down to my "guy" to give it a look see for reliability. After a clean bit of health and some oo's and ah's from some patrons of the petrol station, I was off.
Yesterday I took out my 72 Chevelle, washed it, cleaned it up good then took it down to my "guy" to give it a look see for reliability. After a clean bit of health and some oo's and ah's from some patrons of the petrol station, I was off.
Friday, August 19, 2011
A Brief History
So from what I remember of my younger days....they were mostly happy. But not without some issues. My mother was an alcoholic, my father, a wonderful, strong and powerful man, worked on Wall Street and worked A LOT! I don't blame him, the state my mother was in most of the time I wouldn't want to come home either!
The Late Teen early Twenties ....
So basically, during the time I was seeking my first Therapist, I also hooked up with what was to become my ex-husband. I met him when I was 18. Strangly enough, the Therapist I was seeing was telling me he was bad news and I shouldn't date him. Well, being the rebelous, know it all 18 year old I was, I knew better! (DAMMIT!)
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